Managing Your Toddler's Frustrating Behaviors

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Topic Overview

Toddlers may throw fits, act selfishly, and rarely mind. This behavior often develops out of frustration from not being able to communicate, master skills, and be as independent as they want to be. Assertiveness and irritability are normal behaviors for toddlers.

Toddlers are actively absorbing and exploring the world around them. So many toddlers quickly reach a point of sensory overload. This seems to happen at the most inconvenient times, such as while you are shopping for groceries.

A newfound sense of autonomy and independence prompts the toddler to test limits—including yours. For example, your toddler bangs a toy on the table and then looks at you for a response. When there is no response, she repeats her actions. She wants to know what she can do and cannot do. Be patient and set firm, fair, and consistent boundaries. This will help your toddler learn what behavior is appropriate.

Often toddlers have fits or temper tantrums because of internal conflicts. Toddlers may become frustrated by wanting to do something independently but not being able to. Also, they often have two opposing desires—wanting both to be independent and to feel taken care of. Toddlers' tempers can become especially fragile when they feel tired, hungry, or bored or when they want your attention. They do not have the language skills or physical capabilities to protest in an appropriate manner a situation they don't like.

Toward the end of the second year, tantrums usually occur less frequently as toddlers gain more self-control and become comfortable with their abilities. They become less frustrated and are able to show more restraint and less of a knee-jerk response when you say "no" or otherwise challenge their control. This behavioral improvement is related to brain maturation, especially development of the cerebral cortex. Recognize that these tantrums are for the child to work out, not you.

You can try the following strategies to help manage your toddler's challenging behavior:

• Minimize conflicts as much as possible. For example, put things your toddler shouldn't touch out of reach. Try to prepare your toddler in advance for circumstances he or she may not like, such as, "We are going to put away the toys soon."
• Choose your battles. Focus on the most important, like making sure car seats are used and bedtimes followed. If not, your home will become a battleground, and your toddler can become overburdened.
• Set limits but have realistic expectations. It generally is considered too early to start disciplinary measures such as time-outs. Other strategies can help teach your child limits, such as using a firm voice, looking your child in the eye, and sometimes physically removing him or her from a situation. But realize that your child's behavior, no matter how troublesome, has a purpose in furthering growth and development: Your toddler is simply trying to make sense of the world.
• Offer limited choices. For example, instead of asking, "What do you want for lunch?" limit options by asking, "Do you want a peanut butter sandwich or a bowl of soup?" This works well at the dinner table or the play table and gives your toddler a sense of independence, perhaps decreasing those times when he or she won't cooperate.
• When you see a dispute or tantrum coming, distract or redirect your toddler to prevent a meltdown.
• Compliment your child when he or she behaves well. Approval helps your child learn proper behavior and reinforces a positive sense of self.
• Provide opportunities for your toddler to interact with others. When these interactions are positive, children learn that they have behaved in acceptable ways and become more self-confident.

Although you may sometimes feel exhausted, remember to reassure toddlers that you love them and it's their behavior you don't like, not them. Offer plenty of praise and attention when your child behaves well.

One of the most important parenting tools to use with your toddler—indeed, with children of any age—is modeling behavior that you expect. Children learn from what you tell them. And they learn even more from what they see you do. Interacting with others in a loving, open manner and dealing with frustrations calmly will give your toddler the best model to learn from.

For more information about behavior issues and how to respond to them, see the topic Temper Tantrums.